101 Ways to Kill Voldemort
by xXxAngelSoPreciousxXx
Summary: Harry gets tired of trying to kill Voldemort so he makes a list of things he hasn't tried.
1. 1 through 10

**Title: **101 Ways to Kill Voldemort  
**Author:** Sarah Terrance**  
Beta Reader:** Maddie Bull**  
Rating:** T**  
Pairing:** Not really any.  
**Summa****ry:** Harry gets tired of trying to kill Voldemort so he compiles a list of things he hasn't tried.  
**Note: **If HP was mine, would I be writing a damn fanfic about it? Also, I got the inspiration of this from Espoir Noir with her story 101 Ways to Kill Umbridge. Takes place during fifth year.

* * *

**Note to anyone that finds this list: **Please don't add to this list. Unless you are Hermione Granger or Ron Weasley. In which case, it's cool.

1. Show him a mirror. He'd die of shock.

(Harry!) H.G.

(Well, you haven't seen him Hermione.) H.P.

(Hey! Hermione Granger OR Ron Weasley?! Not Ron Weasley OR Hermione Granger?!) R.W.

(Sorry, Ron.) H.P.

2. Force him to marry Umbridge. He'd kill himself. (R.W.)

(Ronald, seriously.) H.G.

(Have you met Umbridge, Hermione?) R.W.

(He has a point, Mione.) H.P.

3. Use Polyjuice Potion to turn into Cedric. Draw a scar on his forehead. He'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(Ronald! That one's stupid, and there's two flaws in that plan.) H.G.

(English please?) R.W.

(That was English.) H.G.

(Oh. Well tell me the flaws.) R.W.

(Sad as it may be, Cedric's dead. How would we get the hairs?) H.G.

(Get one off of Cho. Harry can get it when they're sucking face.) R.W.

(Hey!) H.P.

(Sorry, Harry. It had to be said.) R.W.

(Second flaw?) R.W.

(Voldemort knows there's no way to bring the dead back to life.) H.G.

(Which is precisely why he'd die of shock.) H.P.

(Thank you, Harry.) R.W.

4. Show Voldemort a copy of Deathly Hallows. He'd die of shock of how he'd die. (R.W.)

(Ronald Weasley!) H.G.

(What, Hermione? What the bloody hell do you want now?) R.W.

(Ron, Deathly Hallows will not work here. And we'd be showing him how he'd die, so then we'd have to wait another two years for him to die.) H.G.

(I thought Deathly Hallows wouldn't work here?) H.P.

(Wipe that grin off your face, Harry.) H.G.

5. Introduce him to Hermione. He'd die of boredom/irritation. (R.W.)

(Ron!) H.G.

(I thought you were calling me 'Ronald'?) R.W.

(He's got you there.) H.P.

6. Introduce him to Ronald. He'd kill himself. (H.G.)

(Oh, now you're just asking for it.) R.W.

(You were asking for it by putting down 'introduce him to Hermione'.) H.G.

7. Introduce him to Draco Malfoy. He'd die of his retinas burning up from his hotness. (D.M.)

(Get lost Malfoy.) H.P.

(Make me, Potter.) D.M.

(Technically he wouldn't die of his retinas burning up. He'd just go blind.) H.G.

(What the bloody hell are retinas?) R.W.

(You don't want to know, Ron.) H.P.

(Well that makes me feel...) R.W.

(Stupid?) H.G.

(Mione, don't interrupt me. Two, shut up.) R.W.

(For those of you reading this, though I doubt there's anyone but Ronald, Harry, and I, Harry and Ronald are currently hexing Malfoy to get him away from this list.) H.G.

(That was fun.) H.P.

(I'm sure it was.) H.G.

(Now, where were we...?) R.W.

(Number eight.) H.G.

(I thought seven didn't count because he'd go blind and not die.) H.P.

(Well, look at it this way: if his retinas burn up, odds are he would too.) H.G.

8. Have him try to kill a mirror using the Killing Curse. (R.W.)

(Would he really fall for that?) H.G.

(Maybe. If he's stupid.) H.P.

(Then yes, he'll fall for it.) R.W.

(Ronald Weasley!) H.G.

(I'm insulting Voldemort, Mione, not you.) R.W.

(I know.) H.G.

9. Kill him using the Killing Curse, then blame Malfoy. We'd be rid of two problems. (H.P.)

(Harry!) H.G.

(What is it this time?) H.P.

(How would any of us have the power to use the Killing Curse?) H.G.

(I could do a perfect Patronus at thirteen, something some full grown wizards can't do.) H.P.

(Well that's you. If Ron and I can't do it than neither can Malfoy.) H.G.

(She's got a point, mate.) R.W.

(So now you're siding with me?) H.G.

(That's not what I said.) R.W.

(You implied it.) H.G.

(Judging by the look on your face you have no idea what I just said.) H.G.

(Exactly.) R.W.

10. Force him to tutor Ron. He'd die of frustration. (H.G.)

(Are we done insulting Ron yet?) R.W.

(Done? I'm just getting started.) H.G.

* * *

**If you have suggestions for the list please send them to me in review!!**


	2. 11 through 20

11. Cut out his tongue and unleash a basilisk on him. (H.P.)

(How would that kill him?) R.W.

(He couldn't speak Parseltongue. Therefore the basilisk would kill him.) H.P.

(Maybe we should cut off your tongue, Harry.) H.G.

(For what?) H.P.

(For that vulgar comment you made in Flitwick's class.) H.G.

(Hey, someone had to tell him he talked like a...) H.P.

(Oh, please, Harry, don't write it. What if a teacher should see?) H.G.

(Then they'd agree with me.) H.P.

12. Let Harry talk to him the same way he talked to Flitwick. He'd die of shock. (H.G.)

(Harry? Don't give me that look.) H.G.

(Ronald, you too!) H.G.

(What is he doing?) H.G.

(I don't think he likes it when you call him 'Ronald'.) H.P.

(It's his name, isn't it?) H.G.

(No! It's officially Ron now!) RON W.

(Now you're just being ridiculous.) H.G.

(Better than what you are.) RON W.

(And what would that be?) H.G.

(Annoying.) RON W.

(I'm so sure.) H.G.

(I'm sure you are.) RON W.

(Harry! Did you have to say that comment again?!) H.G.

(Yes. It was funny.) H.P.

(Oh, not you too, Ron!) H.G.

(Personally I agreed with his comment.) RON W.

(Well of course you would.) H.G.

13. Show him Snape's diary. He'd die of shock. (RON W.)

(Snape's diary?) H.G.

(You should read that thing, Mione!) RONW.

(You've read Snape's diary?) H.G.

(Yup.) RON W.

(Why am I not surprised?) H.G.

(Because it's Ron we're talking about.) H.P.

(Good point.) H.G.

14. Convince him that all he needs is a big hug. Then give him one. He'd die of the power of love. (H.P.)

(That one is stupid.) H.G.

(I've got a similar one that would work.) R.W.

(You've stopped using RON W. instead of R.W.?) H.G.

(Oh. Crap.) R.W.

(Dang! I did it again.) R.W.

(Didn't you have another one?) H.P.

(Oh yeah!) R.W.

(Lay it on me.) H.G.

15. Convince him that Harry loves him. He'd die of the power of love. (R.W.)

(Hey! This is 101 ways to kill Voldemort, not me!) H.P.

(But it will kill him too, Harry.) R.W.

(That's a major fail, Ronald.) H.G.

(How?) R.W.

(We just want Voldemort dead, not Harry, too.) H.G.

(Well...) R.W.

16. Push him against a wall and say 'bother, bother'. He'd die of irritation. (H.P.)

(I don't understand.) H.G.

(We'd shove him against a wall and say bother bother.) R.W.

(I understand that much, Ronald.) H.G.

(Then you understand it perfectly.) R.W.

(I don't see how he would die of irritation...or how it's possible to die of irritation.) H.G.

(YELLING BOTHER BOTHER MAKES YOU IRRITATED MIONE.) R.W.

(Was it necessary to use excessive capital letters?) H.G.

(YES!) R.W.

(Oh, don't mind me. I'll just be sitting here watching you two.) H.P.

(Oh, and while you fight, I have another.) H.P.

17. Set him on fire in the middle of a Quidditch game. (H.P.)

(Why in the middle of a Quidditch game?) H.G.

(Then everyone can watch and cheer.) H.P.

(Harry!) H.G.

(I'd watch THAT Quidditch game!) R.W.

(Of course.) H.G.

18. Show him this list. He'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(This list isn't long enough for him to die of shock just yet.) H.G.

(Once it gets long enough.) R.W.

(I don't think that will work.) H.P.

(Why?) R.W.

(He'd probably too pleased that we hate him.) H.P.

(Oh. True. But I still like it.) R.W.

(Hermione?) R.W.

(Hermione?) R.W.

(What's wrong with her?) R.W.

(She doesn't think we should be making a list of how to kill someone.) H.P.

(Then why is she writing on it?) R.W.

(Who knows?) H.P.

19. Convince him Luna Lovegood's a Death Eater. He'd die of shock. (H.P.)

20. Introduce him to Mum when she's angry. (R.W.)

(Should you really be using your mother like that?) H.G.

(So now you're talking!) R.W.

(No, writing.) H.G.

(Same thing.) R.W.

(No, Ronald, it's not the same thing. One is spoken, the other is written.) H.G.

(Shut up Mione.) R.W.

(Make me.) H.G.

(And he'd know that Luna would never become a Death Eater!) H.G.

(Again, Hermione, that's why he'd die of shock.) H.P.

(I know.) H.G.

* * *

**Thanks to Espoir Noir for number seventeen and twenty (not that I asked permission lol), and thanks to Josefin Tonks for number eleven and fifteen. Remember, suggestions!!**


	3. 21 through 30

21. Have Snape show up to one of those Death Eater meeting thingys in any color but black (preferrably pink). He'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(Shouldn't we stop using deaths from shock? It's not possible to die of shock.) H.G.

22. Show Voldemort what Hermione just said. He'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(I'm going to ignore that.) H.G.

(And I'm going to ignore your laughter, Harry.) H.G.

(It was funny!) H.P.

(I'm sure.) H.G.

(Well, you know what?!) H.P.

(What?) H.G.

(Hahaha! I know what's about to happen...) R.W.

(WHAT?!) H.G.

(This is...the Elder Swear.) H.P.

(The what?) H.G.

(You must never repeat it to anyone.) H.P.

(Repeat what to who?) H.G.

(Okay...here it is...) H.P.

(HERE WHAT IS?!?!) H.G.

(Your mother is a *smudge* ing *smudge* lorem ipsum *smudge* admiumvenium *smudge* turolagulio *smudge* hippopotamus *smudge* Republican *smudge* and Daniel Radcliffe *smudge* with a bucket of *smudge* in a castle far away where no one can hear you *smudge* soup *smudge* with a bucket of *smudge* Mickey Mouse *smudge* with a stick of dynamite *smudge* magical *smudge* ALAKAZAM!) H.P.

(Woow.) R.W.

(Now you know.) H.P.

(You must never repeat it to anyone.) H.P.

(Did you have to smudge out the good parts, Hermione?) H.P.

(Well, what if a teacher found it?) H.G.

23. Have him try to repeat the Elder Swear five times fast. He'd die of frustration. (R.W.)

(Good one!) H.P.

(Do you mean he'd kill himself out of frustration or just being frustrated would be enough to kill him?) H.G.

(Either one. Whatever happens first.) R.W.

24. Have him try to teach Ron some table manners...without a wand. (H.G.)

(Hey!) R.W.

(Well, Ron, you don't seem to have very good manners at the table.) R.W.

(And how would YOU know?) R.W.

(We're in the Great Hall right now.) H.G.

(Oh.) R.W.

(What is this?) G.W.

(Hey! Ginny, get out of here!) R.W.

(Harry said I could!) G.W.

(Uh....) H.P.

(Harry! Why'd you do that?!) R.W.

(Well...) H.P.

(And I've got a good one!) G.W.

(Fine.) R.W.

25. Force him to read the whole Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. He'd be begging you to kill him. (G.W.)

(What's a Twilight series?) R.W.

(It's a book series from the future, Ron.) G.W.

(The future? What are you, Trelawney?) R.W.

(No, but I heard about it in her class last year in that crystal ball thing of hers. People were burning them.) G.W.

(Why would they burn a book?) H.G.

(Apparently it's so horrible they just had to do it.) G.W.

(Oh.) H.G.

(It's about some Mary Sue named Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen and her...) G.W.

(Stop! You're going to make me throw up!) R.W.

(It sounds disgusting!) H.P.

(Exactly why he'd be begging us to kill him.) G.W.

(I think it doesn't sound that bad...) H.G.

(Tell us all about it in ten years.) G.W.

(I will.) H.G.

(Ten years?) R.W.

(It was published in 2005, Ron.) G.W.

(Oh.) R.W.

26. After forcing him to read Twilight, force him to sit through the movie. (G.W.)

(How is that worse than those stupid- gag -books?) R.W.

(The movie is worse, Ron. Much worse.) G.W.

(How would you know?) R.W.

(Again, Trelawney's class.) G.W.

27. Have Voldemort go to the Yule Ball with Umbridge and have them do the tango. (H.P.)

(...) H.G.

(I thought it was funny.) R.W.

(I'm sure.) H.G.

(How is that bad?) G.W.

(It would be funny to watch him even attempt the tango.) H.P.

(Someone should have invited him and Umbridge to the Ball last year.) R.W.

(Well then Voldemort would probably end up killing 'poor' Umbridge.) G.W.

(VICTORY!) R.W.

28. Since we're using Umbridge related deaths, get one of Umbridge's dreadful cat plates and smash it over his head. (H.G.)

(Good one!) F.W.

(Fred! Get out of here!) R.W.

(Harry invited me.) F.W.

(Are you inviting ALL of my family members?!) H.P.

(Well, George isn't here!) H.P.

(Yes he is.) G.W.

(Well this is going to be confusing.) G.W.

(Why do you say that, Gin?) G.W.

(Look at our initials, George.) G.W.

(Oh. Good point.) G.W.

(Maybe I should just sign it George W.) G.W.

(That would work.) G.W.

(Okay. I will. Because I can't even tell which comments are mine anymore.) George W.

29. Have him spend a day in our joke shop. He'd die of the happiness of it all. (Fred and George W.)

(Nice one.) H.P.

(Thank you, Harry.) F.G.W.

(F.G.W.?) R.W.

(We've decided to make comments together.) F.G.W.

(Oh.) R.W.

(How would happiness kill him?) H.G.

(Are you *smudge*ing serious?) R.W.

(AND STOP SMUDGING THE DAMN PARCHMENT EACH TIME WE SAY SOMETHING PLEASANT!) R.W.

(I think it would work nicely.) G.W.

(It would.) R.W.

(Certainly.) H.P.

(See, we told you we're clever!) F.G.W.

(I never said you weren't.) G.W.

(Ron did.) F.G.W.

(How dare you!) H.P.

(I'm going to guess that was sarcastic?) H.G.

(Yup.) H.P.

30. Every time he tries to say something, interject, "HOOPLA!" He'd die of frustration. (R.W.)

(Or he'd kill us first.) H.P.

(Good point.) R.W.

(It's a nice idea, though.) G.W.

('Hoopla'?) H.G.

(No, Hermione, you've got to say it like this: HOOPLA!) R.W.

(...) H.G.

(It's funny.) F.G.W.

(I'm sure.) H.G.

(Well you're just a ray of *smudge*ing sunshine, aren't you, Hermione?) R.W.

(AND STOP DOING THAT!) R.W.

* * *

**yeah, idk. very...uh, random chapter. let's see...i have to credit athenakitty for numero 21, 24, and 27. yipppe *smudge*ing doo. and i'm having my cousin post this, CONSIDERING SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL UNTIL 9:26 TODAY WHILE I HAVE TO BE THERE EARLY! :S yeah, i'm pissed. oh well. please review. :)**


	4. 31 through 40

**_WARNING: MAJOR CUSSING BETWEEN THE GOLDEN TRIO TOWARDS THE END._**

* * *

31. Hex him so everything he sees is in lilac, pink, or some other girly color. (R.W.)

(Good one...!) H.P.

(Thank you, Harry.) R.W.

(Should we really be writing this in detention?) H.G.

(Well, if you hadn't been writing something on this during McGonagall's class we wouldn't be in detention in the first place...) R.W.

(Did you ever consider it looked like I was taking notes, Ronald?) H.G.

(Yeah, Ron, it was mostly your fault for trying to steal the parchment away from her.) H.P.

(Well!) R.W.

(It's easy to see who my friends are!) R.W.

(Or, rather, who your friends aren't.) H.G.

(Shut up.) R.W.

32. Change the Death Eaters or Dementors robes to fairy princess dresses. (H.P.)

33. And make them wear masks that make them look like Tinkerbell. (H.P.)

(Tinkerbell?) R.W.

(By the way Harry is trying not to laugh I'm going to guess it's funny?) R.W.

(It's a Muggle bedtime story about a boy who never grows up named Peter Pan and he lives in Never Land. One of his friends is a pixie named Tinkerbell.) H.G.

(Tinkerbell? That's a dumb name!) R.W.

(Obviously you missed the fact that I said it was a pixie, Ronald.) H.G.

(You wanna hear a dumb name? Pansy. Were her parents drunk when they named her?) H.P.

(Oh, great. I'll go show Pansy this list after detention.) H.G.

(...) H.P.

(Never mind.) H.P.

(Exactly.) H.G.

(Since we're on the subject of dumb names, what kind of name is 'Voldemort' anyway?) R.W.

(Dunno.) H.P.

(Voldemort, Voldemort, oh, Voldy Voldy Voldy Voldemort...) R.W.

(What was that for?) H.G.

(To pass the time.) R.W.

(Oh.) H.G.

34. Let him watch Dudley eat. (H.P.)

(Harry! That's your COUSIN you're talking about!) H.G.

(Exactly!) H.P.

(Oh, I give up.) H.G.

(Good! We don't need you!) R.W.

(Honestly, Ronald.) H.G.

(I thought you said you'd leave?) R.W.

(I said 'I give up'. There's a difference.) H.G.

(Really? Because to me all I see is 'blah blah blah'.) R.W.

(Honestly, Ronald, I'm beginning to wonder if you like anything that doesn't have to do with you.) H.G.

(Can you repeat that? I don't speak 'blah'!) R.W.

(I'm ignoring that comment.) H.G.

(I'm not!) H.P.

(Ow!) H.P.

(Hermione, what'd you do that for?) H.P.

(Has this list gone from an insult to Voldemort to an insult to me?) H.G.

(No...!) H.P.

(YES!) R.W.

(Oh, thanks, Ron.) R.W.

35. Let him get into the middle of Ron and Hermione fighting. No one will come out alive. Maybe I won't even come out alive. (H.P.)

(Oh, very funny.) H.G.

(Well, it's true.) H.P.

(Ow!) H.P.

(Stop doing that!) H.P.

(YOU stop first.) H.G.

(Ron started it!) H.P.

(Oh thanks Harry.) R.W.

(Ow!) R.W.

(Hermione this isn't funny!) R.W.

(And I think Snape's starting to get suspicious with all the noise we're making every time you bend our thumbs back...) H.P.

(And that still hurts.) R.W.

(Words hurt worse.) H.G.

(Doubt it.) R.W.

36. Have Voldemort try to teach Crabbe and Goyle how to think. Without the use of his wand. (R.W.)

(Or, similarly, have him teach Ron how to think without a wand.) H.G.

(Okay, have you gotten the insults and thumb bending out of your system yet?) R.W.

(No.) H.G.

(Ow! I didn't even do anything!) H.P.

(Ow!) R.W.

(Now I'm good.) H.G.

37. Dress Harry and Ginny up like Harry's mum and dad. He'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(Yeah, but then again he might try to kill my parents 'again'.) H.P.

(I wouldn't really care if he did that to Gin.) R.W.

(Ow!) R.W.

(It's your sister.) H.G.

(So?) R.W.

(Forget it.) H.G.

(Forget what?) R.W.

(Thank you, Ronald.) H.G.

(For WHAT?!) R.W.

(Never mind.) H.G.

(Hermione, Ron is a lost cause. I suggest you move on.) H.P.

(Already have.) H.G.

(Hey, remember that Veil we read in Umbridge's God forsaken class?) H.P.

(Yes?) H.G.

38. Tell him that if he runs through the Veil that he'll get a bunch of those evil followers of his. (H.P.)

(I don't know what you're talking about.) R.W.

(Surprise, surprise.) H.G.

(Shut up.) R.W.

(The Veil is some fabric thing they have in the Department of Mysteries. If you pass through it you die instantly.) H.G.

(So kinda like Avada Kedavra but there's no spell needed?) R.W.

(Precisely.) H.G.

(What bull.) R.W.

(Ronald!) H.G.

(I kinda have to agree.) H.P.

(You're the one who wrote it, Harry.) H.G.

(I know. But even I think it's stupid.) H.P.

(Well...yes. I guess it is.) H.G.

(Ha! Told you it was a load of bull.) R.W.

(I never said it wasn't.) H.G.

(But you wrote Ronald really fast like you only had one second to do so.) R.W.

(Because I was frustrated that you use such vulgarity.) H.G.

('Vulgarity'? Hermione, I don't know if you know this but 'bull' is not vulgar.) R.W.

(STOP FIGHTING.) H.P.

(Well, it's short for vulgarity.) H.G.

(You guys...) H.P.

(And that's BULL.) R.W.

(Why can I see my comments?!) H.P.

(Now you're just trying to annoy me.) H.G.

(Yes, I am!) R.W.

(Well fuck!) H.P.

(HARRY!) H.G.

(FINALLY, someone notices my comments.) H.P.

(You aren't going to smudge that out, Hermione?) R.W.

(Fuck off, Ronald.) H.G.

(Jesus Christ, Hermione.) R.W.

(Hermione, I didn't know 'fuck' was in your vocabulary.) H.P.

(Well, considering I knew when you wrote it earlier....) H.G.

(Say it again! Say it again!) R.W.

(Shut the fuck up, Ronald.) H.G.

(Oooh. Someone's being bitchy today.) R.W.

39. Give him Hermione when she's PMSing. (R.W.)

(Ow!) R.W.

(Hermione, if you continue to do that I will not have the use of my left hand anymore.) R.W.

(Precisely.) H.G.

(Harry!) R.W.

(Oh, yes, go crying to Harry whenever I do something to you.) H.G.

(Honestly, Ron, that is kind of immature.) H.P.

(Shut up Harry.) R.W.

(Make me.) H.P.

(Ow!) H.P.

(Ron, I swear, you're turning into Hermione.) H.P.

(OW!) H.P.

(I think I lost I.Q. points from that one.) H.P.

(What'd he do?) H.G.

(NO!) H.P.

(OUCH!) H.P.

(Ronald!) H.G.

(Ow!) R.W.

(Well you shouldn't have noogied him and twisted his thumb back.) H.G.

40. Give him Ron as a birthday present. (H.G.)

(Hey!) R.W.

(That oughta teach him.) H.P.

(I'm going to take that as sarcastic?) R.W.

(Of course.) H.P.

(Thank you.) R.W.

(That, too, Ron, was meant to be sarcastic.) H.P.

(Oh.) R.W.

(Well, you two are wrong: I'm Ronald Bilius Weasley, and dammit, I'm the most awesomest person you've ever met.) R.W.

(Don't hold your breath.) H.P.

(Hey!) R.W.

('Bilius'?) H.G.

(Yes?) R.W.

(Don't you have a brother named Bill?) H.G.

(We're a poor family, Hermione.) R.W.

(And what does that have to do with anything?) H.G.

(We can only afford so many names, Hermione.) R.W.

(Stop laughing so loud!) R.W.

(You're going to get us in trouble!) R.W.

(We're in detention, Ronald, I think we're in enough trouble.) H.G.

(Guys...it's...) H.P.

(What is this vulgar scrap of parchment?)

(Um...hello, professor. Pleasure seeing you here.) H.G.

(Miss Granger, would you mind telling me what this measly scrap of parchment is?)

(Um...well, uh, Professor Snape...it's, uh...IT'S HARRY'S!) H.G.

(Oh, thanks a lot, Hermione.) H.P.

(Mr. Potter.)

(It's, uh, 101 ways to kill Voldemort.) H.P.

(It's WHAT?!)

(We tried to warn him, Professor.) R.W.

(Ow!) R.W.

(Mr. Potter, I've got no choice but to confiscate this parchment and take away 50 points from Gryffindor. And I'll be seeing you in detention with me tomorrow.)

(WHAT?!) H.P.

(They were writing on it too!) H.P.

(All THREE of you.)

(Thanks a lot, Hermione.) R.W.

* * *

**I'm out sick today so I had plenty of time on my hands for this little dandy. :[ Unfortunately, me and both of my cousins are out of school today...my beta-er has bronchitis and her sister has pink eye. Me, I've just been nauseous all day. Lovely. Thanks to Athenodora Moon for number 31, nifleheim for number 32 and 34, athenakitty for 36, and Anime-Rosalie for number 37! I hate to ask you all of this, but could any of you read 'Whisper' (one of my stories) and review it? I worked hard on the three chapters I have and so far have 0 reviews, so it would mean a lot to me. Thank you!! :]**


	5. 41 through 50

(I officially call this teacher's meeting to order.) S.S.

(What is this teacher's meeting for, precisely? You never exactly told us.) P.S.

(Pomona's initials are P.S.! Haha!) A.D.

(Albus, for God's sake!) S.S.

(Oh, let him have his fun, Severus.) M.M.

(Anyway, I have called this meeting to order because...) S.S.

(HOOPLA!) A.D.

(I do like this list that they've made.) A.D.

(I have called this meeting to order because...) S.S.

(HOOPLA!) A.D.

(I have called this meeting to...) S.S.

(HOOPLA!) A.D.

(I have ca...) S.S.

(HOOPLA!) A.D.

(This list breaks school rules! The children ought to be expelled!) S.S.

(Oh, contraire, Snapeadoodle!) A.D.

(WHAT?!) S.S.

(WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!) S.S.

41. Have Dumbledore call him 'Voldedoodle'. He'd die of shock and/or humiliation. (M.M.)

(Minerva, please!) S.S.

(I'm flattered, Minerva.) A.D.

(And amused.) A.D.

(Severus, I find no harm in this list, as it was not against a certain teacher or subject.) M.M.

(Oh, contraire, Minerva.) S.S.

(If you will look, there attacks against Professor Umbridge, and...) S.S.

('Projessor'? You're not calling her Dolores?) M.M.

(Minerva, you never call her by name, either. Why Albus decided to hire her is beyond me.) S.S.

(I don't even remember five minutes ago!) A.D.

(Wait, I hired her? WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!) A.D.

42. Convince him he's Professor Umbridge. He'd die of the horror. (P.S.)

(Why do I even bother?) S.S.

43. Make him dress up as Professor Umbridge for Halloween. (M.M.)

(...) S.S.

(Minerva, if you were a student, I'd give you a weeks' detentions.) S.S.

(But I'm not, Severus.) M.M.

(I know.) S.S.

(Unfortunately.) S.S.

(What's the problem, Professor Dumbledore?) R.H.

(Oh, great, Hagrid's here...) S.S.

(No problem, Professor Hagrid, sir.) A.D.

44. Shove him off the Astronomy Tower so that he can 'see stars'. (R.H.)

(Honestly, Rubeus!) S.S.

(You're always ruining the fun for us, Severus!) A.D.

(I predict horrors! HORRORS TO WHOEVER WRITES ON THIS PARCHMENT!) S.T.

(Sybill, none of your so called 'prophecies' have ever come true.) S.S.

(Let her have her fun, Severus.) M.M.

(Is it really appropriate that you would be writing our conversations on this parchment, Minerva?) S.S.

(Here, here.) M.M.

(Oh, and I an idea for their vulgar list, since you are adding suggestions to it, Minerva.) S.S.

(Tell me.) M.M.

45. Use a Polyjuice Potion to transform into Bellatrix Lestrange. Tell Lord Voldemort you are going to see Dumbledore and Apparate away. (S.S.)

(Good one.) S.T.

(Thank you Sybill.) S.S.

(I'm flattered, Severus.) A.D.

(For WHAT?) S.S.

(Two reasons.) A.D.

(One, for joining in our fun.) A.D.

(Alright?) S.S.

(Two, for mentioning me.) A.D.

(Albus, that wasn't really a good thing.) M.M.

(I know, Minerva.) M.M.

(I'm confused.) P.S.

(It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.) A.D.

(I knew he would say that.) S.T.

(Of course you did.) S.S.

(Isn't Albus ga—) P.S.

46. Force Lord Voldemort to try to teach my second, fifth, and sixth years without the use of a wand or curses. (S.S.)

(That's not exactly fair, is it, Severus?) M.M.

(If YOU'RE allowed to mock Professor Umbridge, aren't I allowed to say something about my students?) S.S.

(No.) M.M.

(It's different when it's a student versus a teacher, Severus.) M.M.

(I hardly see a difference. Both of them are hardly human.) S.S.

(While I agree that Umbridge is a toad...) M.M.

('A toad'? Minerva, that woman is a NARGLE!) S.T.

(Shush.) M.M.

(Have we moved from You Know Who to Umbridge?) P.S.

(No.) R.H.

(I mean yes.) R.H.

(Just when I thought he had left...) S.S.

(And what is THAT supposed to mean?) R.H.

(Oh, shi...) M.M.

47. Have Hagrid sit on him. (S.S.)

(WHY YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!) R.H.

(HAGRID!) M.M.

(I'm putting ten Galleons on Rubeus to win!) A.D.

(Albus, please!) M.M.

(For those of you who were curious, after Severus suggested that Hagrid sit on Voldemort and that he'd die, Hagrid called Severus a...very nasty name and started chasing him around the room. Severus attacked him with the 'Avis Oppugno' and now a flock of birds are attempting to peck Hagrid's eyes out. Hagrid swatted away the birds and now is chasing Severus again while Albus chants, "Hagrid! Hagrid! Hagrid!". Sybill and Pomona are now having bets who'll win. Sybill says Hagrid while Pomona says Severus by a landslide and neither are going to place any money on this bet. Hagrid now has Severus in a headlock and is telling him to say 'uncle'. Severus is attempting to use the Patronus charm against Hagrid but his doe is doing nothing to him. Severus has finally said 'uncle' and Hagrid has pretty much thrown Severus across the room. Albus and Sybill have won their bets and Pomona was smart not to bet any money.) M.M.

(That old prune...) R.H.

(Rubeus Hagrid, that is no way to speak of your colleagues.) M.M.

(I detect tension between Hagrid and Severus.) S.T.

(Well, obviouly. They refuse to speak to each other.) M.M.

(And Hagrid is now giving Severus a very rude finger.) M.M.

(Go to your mutual corners.) A.D.

(And no talking.) M.M.

(But he started it!) R.H.

(While that may be true, I'm ending it.) M.M.

(Fine.) R.H.

(Now, if we may get back on topic....) M.M.

(SEVERUS KICKED ME!) R.H.

(Only after he threatened to sit on me!) S.S.

(I did NOT!) R.H.

(Oh, for goodness sake!) M.M.

(Nice work, Minerva.) A.D.

(Excellent use of Muffliato.) A.D.

(Thank you, Albus.) M.M.

(Now, what should we do about this list?) P.S.

(This:) A.D.

48. Somehow convince him, right before casting the Killing Curse, that Voldemort's been holding his wand backwards his entire life. (A.D.)

(...) M.M.

(Sorry, Minerva, I couldn't resist.) A.D.

(It's not that, Albus.) M.M.

(Then what is it?) A.D.

(I'm just curious as to why Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Miss Granger hadn't thought of that before you wrote it.) M.M.

(It seems very obvious.) S.T.

(Exactly my point, Sybill.) M.M.

(I believe she was backing you up.) P.S.

(I know.) M.M.

(Oh.)

(I have an idea of my own.) P.S.

(Go for it.) A.D.

49. Have You Know Who teach an acromantula how to dance. Without a wand. (P.S.)

(How...?) S.T.

(An acromantula is a giant spider.) P.S.

(Yes, I know.) S.T.

(If he tried to teach it to dance, it'd probably bite him, and without a wand, he'd probably die.) P.S.

(Oh!) S.T.

(Good one, I must admit.) M.M.

50. Make him do the student's exams. (S.T.)

(Good one!) A.D.

(Albus.) M.M.

(Sorry.) A.D.

(Severus, Hagrid, you may come back over here. I have done the counter curse for Muffliato.) M.M.

(Thank you.) S.S.

(Now we must find a solution to this problem, this list.) S.S.

(Any ideas?) A.D.

(I say we burn it.) S.S.

(I say we return it.) R.H.

(I agree with Hagrid, as long as we leave the students a warning about using this list.) M.M.

(SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.) S.S.

(Severus! Your language!) M.M.

(No, Minerva.) S.S.

(PUT THE PARCHMENT AWAY!) S.T.

(Why?) A.D.

(It's Umbridge.) S.S.

(Shit!) M.M.

(Oh crap.) A.D.

(God!) P.S.

(That old prune!) R.H.

* * *

**i loved that chapter ahahaha. sorry for not updating in like forever. i was busy with other things and stories. speaking of other stories, please check out 'Hermione Jean Is Not My Lover'. it's written just for you Dramione fans. i hope it's good. (: okay. i have to thank SoccerStar007 for number 50 and athenakitty for number 49 (slightly; i changed who voldemort was teaching to dance). i also have to thank anon for number 45. if i missed anyone else please tell me, i'll add it. thank you! :D**


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